I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
