sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
