I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
