It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
