I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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