Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
