He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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