matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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