Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
