i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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