i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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