I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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