So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
