I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We are all done wearing pants today
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
