Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
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he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
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It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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