I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
