Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
