I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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