seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Still dying that you shit outside
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
