when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
