he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
