i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
