i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
this beer tastes like vomit already
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
