"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
