Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
