omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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