I think im going to throw up on grandma
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
