Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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