I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
