first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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