our cab driver is having phone sex.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
