I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
