you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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