My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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