1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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