You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
