then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
