Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
