I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
