I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
