I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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