I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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