hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
