How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
