I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My bed smells like the plague
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
