Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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