Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
