If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
