My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
pop tarts are not kleenex
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
