I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
