Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
