well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
is wine microwaveable?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
