You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
