I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
