Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
