Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
