tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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