I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
